March 2008
5 posts
“If we call someone names, shame, ridicule, swear or yell at them, we are violating their boundaries. Telling someone what they are or are not thinking or feeling is also a boundary violation. It is not our place to decide what someone is truly thinking or feeling. Although we may think we know, we are not in that person’s head. We can only assume at best. In addition if we break promises, lie to, or put our hands on another person in anger, we are also violating their boundaries. Whenever we violate another person’s boundaries, we are in boundary failure. This is true regardless of what the other person did. Many times people think they have the right to be emotionally abusive to someone because that person was hurtful to them first. This could not be further from the truth. Another person’s behavior does not give you or me the right to be equally offensive. You’re insults, hurtful words and/or actions are not justified, and they do, and will, get in the way of intimacy. Unless my life is being threatened, I do not have the right to be abusive in any way…ever.”
—Straight Talk On Relationships: BOUNDARIES (PART II)
“We are the controllers of our boundaries. We decide what we allow in and what we keep out. The way we determine what comes in, is if it’s true or not. We ask ourselves, “Is this true for me? Is this something I need to take in and look at?” If the answer is yes, then we let it in. If the answer is no, then we simply let the comment bounce off our bubble (boundary) and move on. If we choose to let something bounce off our bubble then it is done with. There is no need for us to get defensive, have a reaction, or stew about it. If it’s not true, then don’t spend time on it. Examples of things that we don’t want to let in are: Your partner coming home in a bad mood and snapping at you; someone accusing you of something you know you didn’t do; someone swearing at you, calling you a name, or putting you down. The reason you don’t want to take any of these in is because these comments are not about you…they are about the person who is speaking to you. If your partner comes home in a bad mood and is snapping at everyone in the home, then they are having a bad day—keep your boundaries up and don’t allow their bad day to become your bad day. Instead, as I once heard a person say, imagine that your bubble just got slimed. Spray it, wipe off the slime, and move on.”
—Straight Talk On Relationships: BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS (Part I)
“Creative types are a twitchy lot as it is; a lot of us are really no good at all at handling criticism, especially if we perceive it as casually unfair or nasty.”
—John Scalzi
